Mixed emotions

I have about a handful of memories related to my father. Most of the time he was either in a rage, stoned, heartless or doing something completely impulsive and self serving. Makes it hard for me to embrace father's day. My father did have a huge influence on me though. Largely because of him I never drank, tried drugs, smoked or even allowed myself to want a family of my own.

My father was never a faithful man to my mother and even pulled a Jerry Springer style stunt bringing home his mistress and asking my mom to allow her to move in. That was the day my beaten down, abused, neglected and ill prepared mother grew a backbone and drew a line in the sand. My dad sat us down that day and broke all our hearts by introducing us to his new girlfriend....abdicating himself as our father and moving away. My mom always said the best thing that ever happened to us was that dad left. His drunken rages against my mother and horrible physical abuse he inflicted upon my older siblings was a ticking time bomb.

The horrible consequences of what my mom endured as a single mother with no family support at all....the isolation and endless hours of misery left me feeling that I never wanted to risk bringing a child into the world. I never wanted a child of mine to have their heart ripped out and their self esteem shattered due to any man who would not honor his sacred obligation as father and husband.

Amazingly and I dare say miraculously,  I met a wonderful man in college who was willing to embrace a lifestyle that was free from alcohol and drugs. He was also a man who valued commitment to family. He was able to articulate why he felt the way he did about family and challenged my own embittered beliefs about family and relationships in general. He taught me that it was worth it to risk loving someone enough to commit to raising a family with him. He took my broken, unwanted heart and mended it......beautifully allowing me to learn how to trust and value myself for the first time in my life.

When I met Chris he chose to love me. He was the first man in my life who valued me on a level that inspired me to have hope in the nature of family and in my role as a mother. There are scars still today that I have worked on allowing my Savior to heal from my childhood. There are roads that I have walked where I thought that the pain would be too much to bear. The pain of letting go of the memory of my dad who chose not to cherish me ..... and who died before I could ever ask him why we were never enough for him.

My heart is full when I look at my sons and can say today that not only do I have a husband who fully embraces his role as a father, he also has chosen to figure out how to love me as his wife and the mother of his children....which I am sure he would be the first to admit that this was no easy task! Our three sons, I have hope, will become wonderful husbands and fathers themselves. Our boys are uniquely devoted in a wonderful way to family values and have forged strong friendships with each other.  They have the father that each child deserves and that I wish I had to rely on when growing up. I am eternally thankful for the hand of God in my life. I would not be who I am today without His guiding influence helping my family succeed. I feel like I am a pioneer of sorts....working not to perpetuate the sins of my father.

Now my greatest sorrow has become my choicest blessing. The love of my life is a better father and husband that I could have ever hoped for or felt to deserve.

What are the memories you have of your father? I would love to hear them. : )